Motivation

I’m a generally happy person.  I live everything as it happens.  I ride the waves deciding moments before they hit whether I’m going to dive, ride it or keep paddling.  Sometimes this means I get thrashed by the wave.  I can be pulled under, turned upside-down and left with only my wits.  Not knowing which way is up I try to calm myself, center myself, and slowly float to the surface.  That’s the “me” I have cultivated all my life.  I would never want to waste a wave because I was trying to see the wave beyond it.  Even if it means I go under, I focus on the here and now.

As you can imagine, this means it’s really hard to set goals for myself.  How can you plan anything if you’re too busy riding the wave of here and now?  I still haven’t answered that question.  I don’t know if there is an answer.

Once or twice, I’ve tried to live my life looking ahead.  Those times, although extremely industrious, were some of the saddest times of my life.  As I looked to the future I missed out on so much of what was happening around me.  I lost my gratitude for simple pleasures.  I lost my appetite for peace in preference for productivity.

Living as I do, I’m content to simply let things happen.  Before you decide I’m a highly adjusted person let me explain the challenges this produces.  I can be extremely lazy.  I spend all my productivity at work and when I come home I have no ambition left for my own dreams.

Work is a fantastic place for me.  Having others around me acting at their best pushes me.  I’m one of the best versions of myself when I’m at work.  People usually see the highly trained qualities I’ve developed working on overtime.  Having somebody else count on me matters.  If you’ve read my “About Me” section, you know I’m a people person.  I need people in my life.  At work, they so happen to depend on me.

That’s why this blog is so important.  I need to feel motivated by some outside source in order to do what I want.  Even if nobody ends up reading the blog, if I can: 1. promise myself to post something every day.  2. actually do it.  3. and reach the threshold of time where it’s not worth it to waste all my previous efforts.  I could finally be a “writer”.  I place that word in quotations because I’m already a writer, I’m just not an active one.

If I can be my own outside source, depending on myself.  Then maybe, just maybe, I can actually achieve a dream.

I’m the type of person who believes in the rainbow at the end of a storm.  I’m the girl who dances in the rain as it pours.  But one day, before I go out and dance I’ll put some hot water on, throw some sweats in the dryer and lay a blanket on the couch.  Then when I come in I can change into warm cloths, make some hot cocoa and snuggle on the couch with a good book.